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HEY YOU! YES! YOU! GUY I HUNG OUT WITH TONIGHT!

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Yes, you. I know you. You're the male friend, friend-of-a-friend, acquaintance, coworker, or teammate that I've known for a few weeks now.

I look good. I look really good. I turn heads everywhere I go. You've never thought about me "that way" before recently. I've watched as you've dated or slept with a progression of codependents, sluts, freaks, idiots, whiners, girls that are basically jobless, girls that use you, incredible bores, and undereducated twits who think acting stupid is a virtue. What makes them all alike? Well, as long as they don't open their mouths, they're hot. They have nice bodies and they look good on your arm. And you got so wrapped up in how good they looked that it wasn't until you'd let yourself get completely and utterly used and humiliated that you'd finally kick them to the curb... that is, if they didn't ditch you first.
You think all we saw is how hot they are, and what a hot shit that makes you, and you're wrong.

You've bitched to me, probably on more than one occasion, how there are "no good women" out there. Maybe you've even told me "you would look good if you lost weight," but I likely stopped speaking to you at that point. There's a very good chance that I heard, or overheard, you talking about how you hate lazy fat girls. In your mind, being overweight is absolutely the worst thing in the world.


Well guess what, asshole. I'm not just hot. I'm also intelligent: well-read, informed, and educated with a degree in progress from a good school. I can make you laugh. I transition well from a classy night on the town to watching football with you. I love spending time with you but would never infringe on your life (and I expect the same). I like trying new things. I'm willing to split the tab with you from date one-- I will have a good job, and I'll have an even better job once I'm finished with my professional graduate degree from a top university (starting this fall). My parents and siblings are cool as hell... just like me. My friends know me as honest, caring, patient, and loyal. I'm bragging openly here, but if you met me in person you'd never think of me as stuck-up. And yes, I'm damn good in bed.

You can see how much better I am than those other girls. You'd kill to date me. You'd kill to sleep with me. If you knew me well enough you'd probably want to marry me. But guess what, it's never going to happen. Maybe you're hot and maybe you have money (though probably not), but you're still the same shallow, tedious, ignorant, loser asshole that I know.

And I may have been a fat girl last year, but I was too good for you then, just like I'm too good for you now. So when you see me with someone you think you look better than, don't ask yourself why. Just know that because of the time I spent being overweight, I know that body and looks don't define my worth, or anyone else's. There are more important things in life... like just about anything else you could think of.

While I'm studying Quantum Theory and Russian Literature, what will you be doing?

I know after reading this, you are going to be mad. Maybe you won't want to speak to me again. That's fine. I'm angry with you. But don't let that stop you from trying... because it's all you can do. I'll keep trying... until I either get tired of you, or I find someone that won't break me down and make me feel like utter crap.

I'm not crying.

I don't feel like breaking anything or hurting anyone.

In fact, I feel rather good about myself and who I am.

I don't need you to validate my existence, or who I am. I'm myself.

I'm the Polish-American girl with a strong mind, loyal nature, and a heart of gold. I'm independent. I don't play mind games. I live in the moment, and I never look back and wonder why something failed. I'm myself, and I can't be broken down by guys who can't make up their god damned minds. I'd never... why do I need to write this in paragraph form?

Here's a list to make it simpler, as not to confuse you... as you're already too confused as it is.

1. I don't like to snuggle everytime we bang.
2. Sex isn't always love-making to me. Sometimes its just wild, sweaty monkey fucking. It's cool.
3. I'm short so I will always be able to look up at you.
4. I have gorgeous eyes.
5. I enjoy being a girl (But not a valleygirl!).
6. Can be one of the boys.
7. I don't wear grannie panties!
8. I am curvalicious!
9. I like the color.... well, all of them.
10. I love dogs and cats, even lizards!
11. I have long hair.
12. I won't drag you shopping with me (that's what girlfriends are for!).
13. I will scratch your back (in and out of the shower).
14. I will not move into your apartment the first chance I get.
15. Like you, I am scared of commitment.
16. I won't steal food out of your plate after ordering a salad.
17. I wont order a salad.
18. I'm genuine.
19. I have all my shots.
20. I've traveled.
21. I didn't vote for Bush or Arnold Swaggawaggadingdong either.
22. I'm in.
23. I will hide around corners and try to scare you in the dark of the night.
24. I will end up scaring myself and you'll have to calm me down.
25. I will sneak out of the bed and brush my teeth before you get up so we can have hygenic morning sex. (I might drop a mint into yours. don't choke)
26. I collect keychains and currency.
27. I won't nag you when you watch sports. (I'll watch if soccer is on!)
28. I write the date with European notation (Today is 23 August, 2009)
29. I will let you be the man in the relationship.
30. I like the color purple.
31. I will let you be the man in the relationship.
32. I get my toes done.
33. I work.
34. I school.
35. Did I mention that I like the color purple? I do.
36. I have excellent spelling and grammar. (ya, I goof sometimes!)
37. I watch Family Guy, Simpsons, American Dad.
38. I know something about cars.
39. I can't drive stick (You shouldn't be able to either)
40. I give heart-felt (sometimes homemade) gifts.
41. I don't hold grudges.
42. I will love your penis.
43. I always smell good. (well almost)
44. I dance!
45. I keep-up my nails.
46. I listen to pretty much everything.
47. I know that 4 stroke isn't a dirty joke.
48. I know what makes the rocking world go round.
49. I'll lay naked in bed with you.
50. My bed isn't overstuffed with furry animals (except my cat, but she's real).
51. I don't ghost ride.
52. But I can get hyphy.
53. I'm artsy without being artsy.
54. I'm not opposed to having a hump-session anytime anywhere.
55. I don't want you to spoon me everynight.
56. I like you to poke me in the butt in the morning.
57. I will rate your burps. (1-10)
58. You can pee while I'm brushing my teeth.
59. I'll put sunburn cream on you if you go crispy.
60. I make a bomb spicy chicken alfredo risotto.
61. I don't mind taking out the garbage.
62. I let you open jars that "I can't open"
63. I won't ever cheat.
64. I'm a /b/tard and know what /b/lackup is.
65. I 'm gracious.
66. I laugh like there's no tomorrow.
67. I can cook, clean, bake and I'll drink a beer while doing it.
68. I will hold you when you need it.
69. I listen when you need to talk.
70. I will be your date to anything that you need. (even that monster car rally, you hick)
71. I will remember your birthday (and I'll make it so that you will always remember it *wink wink*).
72. I don't need fancy things to have a good time.
73. I don't care what we are doing as long as its with you.
74. You will always look hot as hell to me first thing in the morning.
75. I'll initiate sex.
76. I get free condoms from school.
77. I dont do drugs. I don't smoke.
78. I won't sleep with your best friend.
79. Your dog/cat can sleep with us at night.
80. I only need to see you 2-3 times a week.
81. I only need a 2-10 minute phone call everyday. (Make sure you're okay. I worry!)
82. I make bomb brownies.
83. I have sexy lips.
84. I am a biology freak and I know all about anatomy. (ie. I know where the good parts are)
85. I will hang out in your clothes to keep your smell close to me (it wont be your gym clothes though, sorry.)
86. I won't put girlie things into your bathroom/shower/room
87. I'll "accidently" leave my sexy underwear in your bed
88. I keep myself well dressed and groomed (for the most part)
89. I won't burden you with my PMS problems.
90. I brush my teeth 2x a day
91. Shower atleast once!
92. I'll never kick you in the crotch on purpose.
93. I won't make fun of your manhood (In public)
94. I take exactly one hour from wake up to car to get ready.
95. I can operate a fire extinguisher
96. I would rather see an epic movie than a chickflick (that's what girlfriends and gays are for)
97. I treat you for ice cream or dinner too!
98. I love suprises.
99. Any present, big or small, will make me happy because I know that you were thinking about me.
100. I know when Pirate Day is.
102. I have all my teeth and they are straight.
103. I pay my own bills.
104. I'm not looking for financial support
105. I don't want to marry you right now.
106. I can't get pregnant unless I want to. (sex all the time!)
107. I'll let you hug me even when you are sweaty.
108. I won't drag you to the manicurist.
109. I don't eat pizza with a fork and knife.
110. I won't go out all night without letting you know and let you freak out.
111. I'll call when I say I will. (or text in lieu of calling if I'm still occupied)
112. I won't text you while you are out with your friends.
113. Your wallet, car and house don't impress me.
114. Treat me like a lady and I will treat you like a man and I will always be there for you.
115. I have a rack that I will shamelessly display for you.
116. I can pick things up with my toes.
117. I don't hog blankets (well, sometimes)
118. I drink a lot of water.
119. I can burp a couple of letters.
120. I can carry a conversation for long than 30 seconds.
121. I memorize weird facts and will regurge them at random oppurtunities.
122. I love ketchup.
123. I won't go through your drawers or try to get into your cellphone/email.
124. I love showering and just laying in the sun (indoors!) to dry off.
125. Your laugh will make me smile years to come.
126. I will put post-its in random places for you to find when I'm not there.
127. I know what a barometer is.
128. I think quarters are the best coin. and 20's are the best bill.
129. I read a lot.
130. You + Me + Dancing + Outdoors + Rain = Afternoon fun.
131. I don't listen to a lot of pop either.
132. You have already invested by reading this, so take a leap.

That's all I have to say about this situation... and something deep inside me wishes that we'd never met, never talked, never crossed paths. But like I said before, some people just get under your skin and stay there. You're under mine, and I just want you to know that. I won't stalk you, hunt you down, or kick you in the balls (although it sounds awfully tempting).

I'm here if you want me, once you've had your rounds with the other ones.

But like I said before, I won't wait forever, and this anger is fleeting and will pass eventually.

But like I said, you've hurt me more than you can possibly know, or can ever hope to know...

I know you've been hurt in the past, by why can't the past be that: the PAST.

There's reasons why things end.

If it was yours, it wouldn't have left you.

If it's truly yours, it will find it's way back (despite all the shit people put out there).

This is like banging my head against a brick wall. Or perhaps getting hit in the head with a sock full of quarters....

This is what happens when an immovable object meets and unstoppable force.


Please respond if you are still interested. Props for reading the whole thing! +15 bonus points for completing it.

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